2018’s Hot Toys Guide For (Sarcastic) Parents

Ho-ho-holy shit… Christmas is already here. Get ready to open your pocketbooks and express your undying love for your kids in the true American way, by buying it.

The halls are decked with all of your unpaid December bills because your kid NEEDED some goddamn toy that sold out in August and you’re not prepared enough to think ahead.

So here’s my list of the “hot toys” of the year, according to the interwebs, and why every kid (obviously) needs each and every one of these or else they will feel unloved and grow up to be psychopathic serial killers.

I’m not sophisticated enough to roast Pottery Barn like one of my all-time fave bloggers, Mommy Cusses. But I am brave enough to poke fun at average parents like me for the ridiculous hoops we jump through to dress our tree skirt with our kids’ deepest desires because some YouTuber told them they needed it.

So I hope you have a white Christmas filled with toys and entitlement while you hand over the mountain of crap you fist fought someone over on black Friday to snag off the shelves and save yourself $2 (let’s hope Santa isn’t watching over Walmart on November 28th).

Photo Credit: Amazon. Buy in-store or online for $25. Or you can find it on eBay from an independent seller for the low, low price of YOUR SOUL.

Fingerling HUGS – The adorable counterpart to last year’s Fingerling that comes in a plush variant. This one is much larger and therefore will cost FAR more when some asshole goes to Target and buys up the whole aisle of every color option so they can shamelessly poach desperate parents who got busy raising kids and didn’t get their Christmas shopping done early. Poor bastards.

Photo Credit: Good Housekeeping
$14.88 for this hilarious choking hazard

Chow Crown Game – As if watching my kids eat isn’t annoying enough. Now I can experience them doing it in a “fun for the whole family” kind of way where food hangs in front of their faces, and they spit saliva, little chunks of leftovers, and the flu virus all over the house. Not only do we get to share the crown riddled with spit and soggy snacks, but we also get to share each other’s holiday plagues. It’s the season of giving, guys, and this one GIVES IT ALL. Make sure you have your phone ready to call 911 for this game night!

Photo Credit: Good Housekeeping. $8 for the whole set. But the ER bill to dislodge this out of your tiny human’s windpipe will bring memories that last a lifetime.

Num Nom’s Snackable Cereal – While we are on the subject of choking hazards, let’s check out these adorable little treats! Wearing the guise of FOOD, they are meant to look like snacks with a face. As if looks weren’t good enough, they even come with a delicious, mouthwatering scent and a “milk” spoon. What kid wouldn’t want to put that in their mouth “just in case” it tastes as good as it looks? I forsee lots of urgent care trips after this year’s Santa unboxing.

Photo Credit: Good Housekeeping
This little guy is $32.99 and about 4 hours of insomnia when you can’t get this DAMN SONG OUT OF YOUR HEAD

Hot Diggity Dance And Play Mickey – If Pinkfong hasn’t completely ruined your sanity for years to come, this little darling will. He dances and sings a song just as catchy and obnoxious. You’ll be “hot diggity dog” dancing your way all the way to the behavioral health unit at your local hospital. Pro Tip: if your kids get one of these as a gift, remove the batteries. Mickey is fun enough all by himself.

Photo Credit: Amazon. These bad boys are cheap, but your carpet cleaning bill will not be.

Lost Kitties Blind Box – The best part about this one is it brings your child’s favorite part of YouTube right into your living room. As if finding them slathering their Barbie in your $80 attempt at reversing signs of aging on your face wasn’t bad enough, now you can SUPPLY them with the tools to completely destroy your carpeting while simultaneously unveiling hidden “surprises” that you’ll be stepping on for years to come.

Where’s the transgender Hatchibaby, Hatchimals????

Hatchimals, Hatchibabies – In a world of gender stereotypes this one really hits home. Is it BLUE? IT’S A BOY! Pink? You got a GIRL! I can’t even with this…. {insert a huge fucking eye roll here}. Someone please tell me I’m reading these wrong….

Photo Credit: Walmart. $25 to have every member in your house crumble to pieces over a piece of string. Literally.

Friendship Bracelet Makers – These seem to be all over the hot gift guides. It’s as if we aren’t born with the necessary tools to tie knots and create these with our own HANDS. These will set you back a meager price of $25, but think of the endless tantrums your six year old will throw when they realize they have no clue how to load this thing up with thin twine and it ends up in a giant knot? You’ll get plenty of post-holiday relaxation when you’re balled up in the fetal position wondering what evil Santa brought this thing in the first place.

Photo Cred: Walmart. $35 = a LOT of bacon. That’s all I’m sayin’.

Peppa Pig Fun Fair Playset – The world definitely does NOT have enough of this adorable, British speaking, two dimensional, swine version of Caillou. Can we get a Peppa Pig farm set? One with the means to turn this smug family into bacon once and for all? Sign me up for that. (But I’ll keep George. Something tells me he’s getting the short end of the stick).

Photo Credit: Fisher-Price. $30-40 depending on where you look. Seems like a solid deal to watch your kids throw cars at each other’s heads.

Little People Take Turns Skyway – I did not even have to read the description of this one to know that this is an absolute disaster waiting to happen. Because we all know, little people do NOT like to TAKE TURNS.

Photo Cred: Amazon
$180 seems reasonable…. for an iPhone.

{Insert You Kid’s Favorite} Dreamhouse – YES! A miniature version of the home my kids know and love to destroy. I might hand it over to them equipt with goldfish crackers crunched up in the couch cushions, a dried puddle of something sticky on the floor, and a handprint smear (or seven) on the walls. Maybe I’ll make sure to load washer with a mildew stench and the sink full of dirty dishes for good measure. I’m all about making Christmas as magical and realistic as possible.

Photo Credit: Walmart. A $14 hilarious depiction of my everyday life.

Don’t Step In It – A board game where you and your family take turns blindfolded trying not to step in a fake pile of dog shit. My kids and I play this game all summer, and again in the spring. Except we do it like the badasses we are and we aren’t using any fake shit, we use the real deal. Also, we aren’t blindfolded. It’s just camouflaged by inches of grass and weeds that desperately need to be cut. I think I’ll save my money on this one and wait until the snow melts…

There you have it, folks. This year’s top toys and every reason why you absolutely cannot pass these bad boys up.

Don’t forget, it’s important to shower your kids with gifts in December so that the rest of the year they can act like entitled brats who expect you to give them the world. Because tis’ the season to focus on material things, yo.

Can’t you hear those sleigh-bells ring-a-ling alongside your racing heartbeat waiting for the annoying alarm of the chip reader yelling at you to remove your card?

APPROVED! (Phew, that was close).

Merry Christmas, Mamas!

If you enjoyed this check out some of my other humor pieces here:

The “In” Grocery Store Came To My Town – And I HATE IT 

5 Things I Learned About Dating Apps – A Cautionary Tale

Every Mom Has A Favorite Child

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