Winter Sucks The Big Icicle

Dude. I live in Chicago and EVERY. SINGLE. YEAR. I wonder when the hell I am going to get out of this frozen tundra and move somewhere warm. Somewhere that doesn’t cause my fingers to seize up in pain just because they touched AIR. And then the spring comes and like seeing your beautiful baby after childbirth it’s like the pain and agony of the last season completely fades away until the next year when it comes back in full force and you remember all over again why you hate this fucking place.

It’s cold. I’m not talking like chilly. It’s FUCKING COLD. You walk outside and breath through your nose and your nostril hairs freeze up into tiny icicles that stab you from the inside. Your nasal passages become miniature igloos made out of your never ending frozen snot stream cubes because you caught a cold on the first frigid day and it still hasn’t gone away.

 

You skin hurts. Everything hurts. Your body is frozen, literally. You can’t move and when you do it’s like you’re going to shatter. Your skin gets so dry that it cracks and there is nothing you can do about it but apply copious amounts of lubricant to try to keep it moisturized but it’s basically impossible because the winter sucks the moisture right out of you every chance it gets.

It’s gloomy, which means you don’t want to do SHIT. It’s bright as fuck outside because snow is everywhere but it’s dirty snow because it’s been driven on and slushed around and now your beautiful blanket of soft white snow is a eyesore of sludge and salt, but it’s still blinding to look at. You don’t want to do anything but huddle under your blanket with a book but you can’t do that either because you just burned it on the stove in an attempt to warm your hands up for five minutes.

Your kids keep getting called off of school for a goddamn snow day. Every other day it seems is a school “holiday” where they get a long weekend off of school. And as if that isn’t bad enough, now the snow showed up on the night before the hellish five days you’ve just spend cooped up inside and they’ve cancelled school tomorrow. Awesome. At least I won’t have to pay for summer daycare this year because my kids will be making up winter well into July at the rate we are going.

Something necessary to your continued EXISTENCE tends to break down at the WORST possible time, and that “time” is almost always winter. Your kids *were* finally going back to school (hell YES!) BUT wait, no they aren’t. Because your car has been sitting in the frozen abyss that is your driveway for the last five days because you refused to leave in the blizzard and now your damn car is not cooperating.

You go back inside to find your house is especially chilly even with your two layers and 17 infinity scarves on and find your pipes burst because even though your kids are constantly running water somewhere in your house, apparently the weather is THAT cold that it can freeze even the hottest water moving through the pipes.

Your kids have a hard enough time finding socks. Try getting them to find two gloves, a hat, a coat, a scarf, and snow pants because now school won’t let them out for recess unless they are dressed like tiny snowmen. I don’t remember having the accessories my kids have now accompany me to school every day, but my kids need them, apparently. And also, not surprisingly, we can never find them when we need them.

You will fall. Some asshole (usually you) will forget to throw salt on the ice and you’ll run out the door in a hurry only to fall and bust your ass. But not only will you fall, you’ll do it in front of some hipster running a 5K down the block in the dead of winter, you know, someone “better than you” because… winter sucks.

Your dog won’t go out either. So not only is your entire family caged in the house with the flu virus, but the stench of snot and pet urine fills the stale air. Can’t we just open a damn window? No. Because they are shrink wrapped in an attempt to keep whatever heat you can as close to your body as possible.

Your kids will act like caged animals. As if they aren’t already acting like completley rabid dogs, winter exasperates the symptoms 10-fold. They are stifled, homebound, and antsy and they turn on each other (and you) at any chance they can get. It’s a toss up as to who is going to make it out of this season alive. But my money says, it won’t be me.

Winter fucking sucks the big icicle. The only benefit is that when I say I don’t want to go somewhere, I have a million degrees below zero excuses at my disposal to keep me in the house, out of the snow, and in my thickest, coziest loungewear. 

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Getting Old Is For The Birds

Last weekend was my birthday, and I spent some time reflecting on all of the reasons why getting old can have its benefits. You can do what you want, you don’t have to answer to anyone (at home, at least), and you finally (hopefully) have your shit together at least enough to feel comfortable in your own skin.
But there are so many parts to getting older that just flat out suck. And those parts aren’t going away anytime soon. Actually, they are probably only going to get worse as time goes on. Ughhhh.

My face looks like I should have used sunscreen a lot sooner. When I was younger, we would lather ourselves up with baby oil and sit by a friend’s pool letting the rays reflect off of our beautiful, cellulite-free bodies while we giggled and planned our nights out with the boys we were fawning over. Little did I know that years later that same face would be littered with sun spots and wrinkles that could have EASILY been avoided if I would have just put the damn tin foil down and thrown on a hat instead. Thank god for botox, right?

My ass is droopy, so are my tits. And my chin, my arm flaps, my belly…. let’s be real. It’s all droopy. Every time I look in the mirror something else has fallen a few inches from where it was the day before. As I’m writing this right now my under eye bags, have migrated down to my cheeks and my jowls are now on my shoulders. YAY!

I hear people get more patient as they age, but for me, that couldn’t BE more of a goddamn lie. I have ZERO patience. I can’t even wait in a short line at Target without running through all of the things I could have done in those precious minutes I was stuck in line. I get irrationally angry when someone cuts me off in the school pickup line or leaves toothpaste in the sink. I have no patience. Maybe in my next decade, that perk will come?

I also don’t sleep anymore. Even though my kids are starting to age out of being up all night (although, they sure DO still wake up many nights, don’t get it twisted), my mind races until the wee hours of the night. And if by chance tonight is the night where my brain can’t take anymore and does me a favor by clocking out early, my bladder doesn’t. It makes a cameo appearance by way of stabbing stomach and vaginal pain around 2, 3:30, and 4 am.

Everything hurts. I can’t even clean the house anymore without searing back pain so laundry is definitely NOT happening on the same day. I don’t choose my chore completion goals based off of time or energy, for me, it is determined by how many discs in my spine I can agitate before I am laid up in bed for the next day. And if I have a good back day, then I get hit with a massive migraine instead because ADULTING IS FUN!

You have come to terms with your mortality, and it scares the shit out of you. You now astutely feel every single nerve jolt, every tight muscle, every taco that manifests in crippling heartburn and you start to convince yourself you might not make it to bedtime.

Which brings me to anxiety. Sweet, sweet anxiety. It’s the only thing that manages to keep you awake through the worst possible time of day, the night. You panic at the smallest things because you now have these tiny beings that rely on you and even though most days you’re convinced you are doing it ALL. WRONG. You still know that you are the best parent for these monsters. No one else could handle their bullshit bedtime tantrums or their horrid homework meltdowns. You can’t leave them yet, they are just starting to sleep through the night finally!

 

Adulting brings LOADS of joy. Peeing when you cough, listening to the soothing sound of your joints pop as you take a leisurely stroll to the kitchen for the fifth time because you can’t remember what the fuck you came in there for and then finally having a revelation at 3 am and feeling compelled to get out of bed and do something about it.

Spending all of your “free time” working on your house while tiny humans troll behind you and destroy every inch of your hard work until you give up and just let the whole house go to shit because you’re a goddamn adult and you can do that now.

I guess there is one good thing, as an adult, you get to be the one to say “fuck it” and grab a glass of wine, binge-watch Netflix, and order takeout because YOLO and all that other garbage. Cheers to growing older, bitches! (Careful though, too much wine and you’ll be working that hangover off for at least a week now that you’re old.)

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DIY Self-Care Techniques To Decompress After The Holidays

Nothing says “I’m ready for a New Year” like a string of holiday festivities spent with the people in your life you had zero control in choosing, and even less desire to spend that much time with.

Between the creepy relatives, overindulgence of pie and alcohol, and your kids spending weeks being gushed over like they are part of the royal family, everyone in the house needs a serious sage detox before it’s too late.

If you’ve made it through Christmas you’re probably looking at your tree now barren of gifts and wondering how the fuck you manage to do this year after year without committing yourself.

Your bank account is empty, your stockings are ripped down from their expertly placed hook and now strewn on the floor like the rest of the abandoned socks in your house, and the Christmas tree is dropping pine needles like your kids drop crumbs of food on your freshly vacuumed carpet.

You NEED. A. BREAK.

Since it’s still the season of below freezing temps and frostbite, no one wants to leave the house anyway. Here are some solid ways you can get your energy and self-esteem back right in the comfort of your very own home:

Create an In-Home Spa Sanctuary– The first thing you’ll want to do is really set the scene for healing. Any space can be transformed for optimal soul rejuvenation with the right tools. Establish aromatherapy by collecting your most soothing essential oils (or just your favorite hairspray will do) and spritz the area to create a fragrance of something other than dirty underwear and soggy dog. You can lather yourself in lavender body lotion for added calming effects, but if you don’t have that, Aveeno can have remarkable therapeutic effects.

You probably don’t keep candles in your house anymore, because, kids. So just take your kids’ iPad and drape your most used towel with the worn thread count over it to create an ambiance of mood lighting to help get your mind right. You can really amp up the tranquil atmosphere in your home by adding some plush robes and fancy tea to this relaxation ritual. But since you’re a mom now, you already know you can’t have nice things, instead throw on one of your husband’s over-sized t-shirts and reheat your coffee in the microwave. Let’s get this party started.

Massage – I know, you’re thinking I’ll never have the time. But, alas, you birthed the essential tool to complete this spa staple. I’m sure you’ve heard of cupping and hot stone massages, but have you ever tried tiny feet shoved into the small of your back while you’re trying to relax on the couch? It really loosens the joints and muscles allowing for optimal rejuvenation and removal of those nasty toxins. Your kids will likely not even need to complete a lesson on how to effectively apply desired pressure during this technique, but just in case, maybe you should kick them first so they get a thorough demonstration? It will aid in your overall wellness goal.

Facial Masks – Yogurt masks are a thing. Whether or not they are supposed to come straight out of your refrigerator is another story, but hey… minor details we can overlook. I find GoGurts work well for this because they have a sweet taste and a delightful color. Just take the whole tube and spread that sucker all over your face canvas. It’s cool and refreshing straight out of your refrigerator and if it gets on the furniture, you can assume there was already a spread of some food there before you got there. If you can’t beat em, join em?

Mani/Pedi – This one is tricky, but it’s definitely doable. Get your least favorite towel and the LIGHTEST shade you can find and announce to your toddler it’s time to play “nails”. She will jump all over the chance to reenact her favorite YouTube videos of grown adults playing with toys and talking in baby voices. If you’re really brave, you can let her do your fingers too. It buys you another three minutes to “relax” while she paints your entire hand in an overwhelming scent of shimmery chemicals that will take an entire bottle of acetone to remove. But hey, self-care is important, right?

Take a bath – You have two options here. You can either opt to knowingly allow your kids to destroy your house while you lock yourself in the bathroom with threats of decades-long grounding if they even THINK about bothering you (someone BETTER BE BLEEDING!). Or, you can go the more conservative route and slap your bathing suit onto your still detoxing post-holiday pie body and round up the little monsters for a family bath. The kids will think it’s a blast while you sit and enjoy a lukewarm tub filled with bubblegum flavored bath bombs and your child’s urine. Be extra efficient and apply your GoGurt bath just before you embark on this endeavor. That way you effectively wash it off while your kids splash water all over your bathroom floor with your tears.

Getting through the holidays can be B.R.U.T.A.L. But that doesn’t mean you can’t find time to recharge your mind and body and start the New Year off with a soul rejuvenating BANG. Everyday household items can be easily transformed to spa tranquility staples with just a few simple steps. Make it a “fun for the whole family” kind of event and get the kids involved in this DIY dumpster fire and before you know it your house will be filled with yogurt, bubbles, and nail polish just like any other day of the week. Except for this time, you’ll have lavender scented skin and iPad induced mood lighting to push through. And think of all the money you’ll save by dishing out your very own sanity instead! You’ll be wondering why you don’t do the home spa thang more often! 

And keep in mind, if all else fails, there’s always Benedryl. And wine. 

Nama-stay home, you got this! 

 

If you enjoyed this check out some of my other humor pieces here:

2018’s Hot Toys Guide For (Sarcastic) Parents

So Many Parts Of Parenting I Did NOT See Coming

5 Things I Learned About Dating Apps – A Cautionary Tale

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New Moms Don’t Hear Enough Of These Useless Comments

There are quite a few babies coming in my family this year. None of which happen to be mine (thank you, sweet baby Jesus for watching over me with your love and protection).

But it got me thinking about how I missed the days of sniffing my baby’s head while they drifted off to sleep in my arms. The smell of new human breath mixed with sour milk and a dirty diaper. I mean, I can’t even say the bad smells were all that bad when I got to inhale the scent of a new baby all day long. (Is it obvious that even the THOUGHT of new baby smell has my ovaries screaming over here?)

So as I sit reminiscing about the “good ole days” of sleepless nights, cracked nipples, and the world’s cutest wails, I keep thinking about all of the things people said to me during those first couple days and weeks of having a new baby in the house. And why they all remind me that I am SO grateful to not be the new mom to be this time around.

Every new mom has heard these at least once, probably more than once, but definitely not enough times, because we all need some serious cliche’s from the visitors who come when we least want them to fuel our first days living with a newborn, amiright?

Here are some of my faves. (Feel free to add on your own worst nightmares in the comments)

Sleep when the baby sleeps.

This is not a new joke. I have seen MANY variations of this ridiculous advice being poked fun at, for ample reasons. It’s a joke to think that you can sleep on demand, not to mention, babies sleep A LOT, it just so happens that zero of those hours happen to be during the times that you are also tired. It’s basically scientifically proven that as soon as your baby decides to konk out, you will get a second (or third, or fourth) wind and begin feverishly trying to finish any housework you’ve neglected while you were too busy sniffing your babies head. Or, you will decide to finally take a snooze (because… you really do need it) and the SECOND that kid senses you unconscious they will wake up in a fit of rage and hunger reminding you that the rest of your life will be on constant demand to whatever this tiny living being requires. What if the new baby has an older brother or sister? Is there some magical fairy that will make certain they also sleep when the baby sleeps too? Or should you just pretend those kids don’t exist during those precious moments? I’m going to need some serious clarification of this solid advice you have to give.

If you think this is bad… wait until they are OLDER!

Oh, thanks, Susan. So you’re telling me that I should just give up on this parenting thing now because it’s hopeless? How exactly do I go about returning this purchase for a full refund of my blown out vagina and brand spankin new stretch marks? Can I possibly bitch about my CURRENT hell without someone terrifying me by debunking my theory that at some point this WILL get better???!!!

When are you going back to work?

Oh, I’m sorry. I didn’t realize that learning how to take care of a completely helpless and 10000% dependant HUMAN BEING wasn’t considered actual work. How stupid of me. Right now I’m questioning when I am going to get my bowel movements back without excruciating discomfort, but I’m sure work will be the next thing on my mind. Right after I clean up this shit blowout and finish my google research desperately seeking the most effective way to help my baby latch so I can stop feeling like my nipples have been clamped by some medieval torture device for the past three hours. I was just thinking about the anticipation I’m filled with to see the reaction on all of my coworkers’ faces when I walk in with an unwashed topknot and wrinkled (probably dirty) shirt covered in spit up and my own drool.

Are you sure he is yours? He doesn’t look ANYTHING like you!

Just GTFO of my house, mmk? What is that supposed to mean? Babies look like tiny naked molerats when they are born and literally nothing else. If a baby came out looking like a 30 something-year-old wrinkly woman with dark circles, saggy boobs, and a spare tire/muffin top, I would have some genuine concerns for his health. So the fact that my baby looks NOTHING like me is encouraging to me that things are going to be just fine for this kid. But thanks for the confidence boost, I promise she’s mine. I have the perineum stitches to prove it, would you like to see them? You sure?

You need SLEEP! You look so tired!

NO SHIT? Is that all? I’ve been wondering what could possibly be causing these dark circles, constant caffeine cravings, and perpetual yawns. Now I know, it’s just MOTHERHOOD. I look tired because I. AM. TIRED. If you are going to say anything even remotely close to this to a new mom, you should make sure you’re about to follow it up with “let me watch the baby for a little bit while you go take a nap.” Otherwise, you’re just a complete ass-clown lacking common courtesy who doesn’t deserve to sit and smell someone’s new baby heaven. Go home; you’re rude.

Aren’t you so happy/excited/in love?

Honestly? No. I’m miserable. But I am also exploding with adoration and pride and a million other overwhelming emotions that I can’t quite put my finger on because I am so fucking tired I can’t THINK. But unless you want to hear about the good, bad, and the ugly, please don’t ask questions that Society norms force me to answer with a bold-faced lie.

Is the baby always this fussy/dry/tired/ WHATEVER?

Unless you are a pediatrician, please refrain from making ANY remarks to a new a parent that could lead them to question there might be something wrong. Every new mom is already overwhelmed with the idea that they were sent home with an entirely dependant stranger who’s sole existence relies on them. They don’t need any reason to build concern and add on to their seemingly endless mounds of anxiety-inducing facts they are finding.

Are you done? Are you having another one soon?

I’ve heard both of these.  After I had one (or two) people then would ask me if I was done having kids shortly after the birth of my third. Because apparently the news had circulated that maybe being a mom wasn’t my best quality and I should probably stop procreating. Nothing makes you feel genuinely concerned about your parenting skills than someone asking you if you are ready to stop having kids because they seem to know something you don’t. It’s none of ya damn business. Don’t ask this question.

 

I’m sure there are plenty more here that I have not covered, but if you’re like me and about to meet a new baby, make sure you keep these in mind. New moms don’t get enough discouraging, useless, and overall bad advice. Please, adorn them with your best nonsense because having a newborn at home is really boring. You are basically stuck inside with nothing to do but feed, clean, soothe, and change the baby while obsessing about every noise, yelp, cry and quiet sound they make. It’s a cake walk, really. 

 

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2018’s Hot Toys Guide For (Sarcastic) Parents

Ho-ho-holy shit… Christmas is already here. Get ready to open your pocketbooks and express your undying love for your kids in the true American way, by buying it.

The halls are decked with all of your unpaid December bills because your kid NEEDED some goddamn toy that sold out in August and you’re not prepared enough to think ahead.

So here’s my list of the “hot toys” of the year, according to the interwebs, and why every kid (obviously) needs each and every one of these or else they will feel unloved and grow up to be psychopathic serial killers.

I’m not sophisticated enough to roast Pottery Barn like one of my all-time fave bloggers, Mommy Cusses. But I am brave enough to poke fun at average parents like me for the ridiculous hoops we jump through to dress our tree skirt with our kids’ deepest desires because some YouTuber told them they needed it.

So I hope you have a white Christmas filled with toys and entitlement while you hand over the mountain of crap you fist fought someone over on black Friday to snag off the shelves and save yourself $2 (let’s hope Santa isn’t watching over Walmart on November 28th).

Photo Credit: Amazon. Buy in-store or online for $25. Or you can find it on eBay from an independent seller for the low, low price of YOUR SOUL.

Fingerling HUGS – The adorable counterpart to last year’s Fingerling that comes in a plush variant. This one is much larger and therefore will cost FAR more when some asshole goes to Target and buys up the whole aisle of every color option so they can shamelessly poach desperate parents who got busy raising kids and didn’t get their Christmas shopping done early. Poor bastards.

Photo Credit: Good Housekeeping
$14.88 for this hilarious choking hazard

Chow Crown Game – As if watching my kids eat isn’t annoying enough. Now I can experience them doing it in a “fun for the whole family” kind of way where food hangs in front of their faces, and they spit saliva, little chunks of leftovers, and the flu virus all over the house. Not only do we get to share the crown riddled with spit and soggy snacks, but we also get to share each other’s holiday plagues. It’s the season of giving, guys, and this one GIVES IT ALL. Make sure you have your phone ready to call 911 for this game night!

Photo Credit: Good Housekeeping. $8 for the whole set. But the ER bill to dislodge this out of your tiny human’s windpipe will bring memories that last a lifetime.

Num Nom’s Snackable Cereal – While we are on the subject of choking hazards, let’s check out these adorable little treats! Wearing the guise of FOOD, they are meant to look like snacks with a face. As if looks weren’t good enough, they even come with a delicious, mouthwatering scent and a “milk” spoon. What kid wouldn’t want to put that in their mouth “just in case” it tastes as good as it looks? I forsee lots of urgent care trips after this year’s Santa unboxing.

Photo Credit: Good Housekeeping
This little guy is $32.99 and about 4 hours of insomnia when you can’t get this DAMN SONG OUT OF YOUR HEAD

Hot Diggity Dance And Play Mickey – If Pinkfong hasn’t completely ruined your sanity for years to come, this little darling will. He dances and sings a song just as catchy and obnoxious. You’ll be “hot diggity dog” dancing your way all the way to the behavioral health unit at your local hospital. Pro Tip: if your kids get one of these as a gift, remove the batteries. Mickey is fun enough all by himself.

Photo Credit: Amazon. These bad boys are cheap, but your carpet cleaning bill will not be.

Lost Kitties Blind Box – The best part about this one is it brings your child’s favorite part of YouTube right into your living room. As if finding them slathering their Barbie in your $80 attempt at reversing signs of aging on your face wasn’t bad enough, now you can SUPPLY them with the tools to completely destroy your carpeting while simultaneously unveiling hidden “surprises” that you’ll be stepping on for years to come.

Where’s the transgender Hatchibaby, Hatchimals????

Hatchimals, Hatchibabies – In a world of gender stereotypes this one really hits home. Is it BLUE? IT’S A BOY! Pink? You got a GIRL! I can’t even with this…. {insert a huge fucking eye roll here}. Someone please tell me I’m reading these wrong….

Photo Credit: Walmart. $25 to have every member in your house crumble to pieces over a piece of string. Literally.

Friendship Bracelet Makers – These seem to be all over the hot gift guides. It’s as if we aren’t born with the necessary tools to tie knots and create these with our own HANDS. These will set you back a meager price of $25, but think of the endless tantrums your six year old will throw when they realize they have no clue how to load this thing up with thin twine and it ends up in a giant knot? You’ll get plenty of post-holiday relaxation when you’re balled up in the fetal position wondering what evil Santa brought this thing in the first place.

Photo Cred: Walmart. $35 = a LOT of bacon. That’s all I’m sayin’.

Peppa Pig Fun Fair Playset – The world definitely does NOT have enough of this adorable, British speaking, two dimensional, swine version of Caillou. Can we get a Peppa Pig farm set? One with the means to turn this smug family into bacon once and for all? Sign me up for that. (But I’ll keep George. Something tells me he’s getting the short end of the stick).

Photo Credit: Fisher-Price. $30-40 depending on where you look. Seems like a solid deal to watch your kids throw cars at each other’s heads.

Little People Take Turns Skyway – I did not even have to read the description of this one to know that this is an absolute disaster waiting to happen. Because we all know, little people do NOT like to TAKE TURNS.

Photo Cred: Amazon
$180 seems reasonable…. for an iPhone.

{Insert You Kid’s Favorite} Dreamhouse – YES! A miniature version of the home my kids know and love to destroy. I might hand it over to them equipt with goldfish crackers crunched up in the couch cushions, a dried puddle of something sticky on the floor, and a handprint smear (or seven) on the walls. Maybe I’ll make sure to load washer with a mildew stench and the sink full of dirty dishes for good measure. I’m all about making Christmas as magical and realistic as possible.

Photo Credit: Walmart. A $14 hilarious depiction of my everyday life.

Don’t Step In It – A board game where you and your family take turns blindfolded trying not to step in a fake pile of dog shit. My kids and I play this game all summer, and again in the spring. Except we do it like the badasses we are and we aren’t using any fake shit, we use the real deal. Also, we aren’t blindfolded. It’s just camouflaged by inches of grass and weeds that desperately need to be cut. I think I’ll save my money on this one and wait until the snow melts…

There you have it, folks. This year’s top toys and every reason why you absolutely cannot pass these bad boys up.

Don’t forget, it’s important to shower your kids with gifts in December so that the rest of the year they can act like entitled brats who expect you to give them the world. Because tis’ the season to focus on material things, yo.

Can’t you hear those sleigh-bells ring-a-ling alongside your racing heartbeat waiting for the annoying alarm of the chip reader yelling at you to remove your card?

APPROVED! (Phew, that was close).

Merry Christmas, Mamas!

If you enjoyed this check out some of my other humor pieces here:

The “In” Grocery Store Came To My Town – And I HATE IT 

5 Things I Learned About Dating Apps – A Cautionary Tale

Every Mom Has A Favorite Child

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