There are quite a few babies coming in my family this year. None of which happen to be mine (thank you, sweet baby Jesus for watching over me with your love and protection).
But it got me thinking about how I missed the days of sniffing my baby’s head while they drifted off to sleep in my arms. The smell of new human breath mixed with sour milk and a dirty diaper. I mean, I can’t even say the bad smells were all that bad when I got to inhale the scent of a new baby all day long. (Is it obvious that even the THOUGHT of new baby smell has my ovaries screaming over here?)
So as I sit reminiscing about the “good ole days” of sleepless nights, cracked nipples, and the world’s cutest wails, I keep thinking about all of the things people said to me during those first couple days and weeks of having a new baby in the house. And why they all remind me that I am SO grateful to not be the new mom to be this time around.
Every new mom has heard these at least once, probably more than once, but definitely not enough times, because we all need some serious cliche’s from the visitors who come when we least want them to fuel our first days living with a newborn, amiright?
Here are some of my faves. (Feel free to add on your own worst nightmares in the comments)
Sleep when the baby sleeps.
This is not a new joke. I have seen MANY variations of this ridiculous advice being poked fun at, for ample reasons. It’s a joke to think that you can sleep on demand, not to mention, babies sleep A LOT, it just so happens that zero of those hours happen to be during the times that you are also tired. It’s basically scientifically proven that as soon as your baby decides to konk out, you will get a second (or third, or fourth) wind and begin feverishly trying to finish any housework you’ve neglected while you were too busy sniffing your babies head. Or, you will decide to finally take a snooze (because… you really do need it) and the SECOND that kid senses you unconscious they will wake up in a fit of rage and hunger reminding you that the rest of your life will be on constant demand to whatever this tiny living being requires. What if the new baby has an older brother or sister? Is there some magical fairy that will make certain they also sleep when the baby sleeps too? Or should you just pretend those kids don’t exist during those precious moments? I’m going to need some serious clarification of this solid advice you have to give.
If you think this is bad… wait until they are OLDER!
Oh, thanks, Susan. So you’re telling me that I should just give up on this parenting thing now because it’s hopeless? How exactly do I go about returning this purchase for a full refund of my blown out vagina and brand spankin new stretch marks? Can I possibly bitch about my CURRENT hell without someone terrifying me by debunking my theory that at some point this WILL get better???!!!
When are you going back to work?
Oh, I’m sorry. I didn’t realize that learning how to take care of a completely helpless and 10000% dependant HUMAN BEING wasn’t considered actual work. How stupid of me. Right now I’m questioning when I am going to get my bowel movements back without excruciating discomfort, but I’m sure work will be the next thing on my mind. Right after I clean up this shit blowout and finish my google research desperately seeking the most effective way to help my baby latch so I can stop feeling like my nipples have been clamped by some medieval torture device for the past three hours. I was just thinking about the anticipation I’m filled with to see the reaction on all of my coworkers’ faces when I walk in with an unwashed topknot and wrinkled (probably dirty) shirt covered in spit up and my own drool.
Are you sure he is yours? He doesn’t look ANYTHING like you!
Just GTFO of my house, mmk? What is that supposed to mean? Babies look like tiny naked molerats when they are born and literally nothing else. If a baby came out looking like a 30 something-year-old wrinkly woman with dark circles, saggy boobs, and a spare tire/muffin top, I would have some genuine concerns for his health. So the fact that my baby looks NOTHING like me is encouraging to me that things are going to be just fine for this kid. But thanks for the confidence boost, I promise she’s mine. I have the perineum stitches to prove it, would you like to see them? You sure?
You need SLEEP! You look so tired!
NO SHIT? Is that all? I’ve been wondering what could possibly be causing these dark circles, constant caffeine cravings, and perpetual yawns. Now I know, it’s just MOTHERHOOD. I look tired because I. AM. TIRED. If you are going to say anything even remotely close to this to a new mom, you should make sure you’re about to follow it up with “let me watch the baby for a little bit while you go take a nap.” Otherwise, you’re just a complete ass-clown lacking common courtesy who doesn’t deserve to sit and smell someone’s new baby heaven. Go home; you’re rude.
Aren’t you so happy/excited/in love?
Honestly? No. I’m miserable. But I am also exploding with adoration and pride and a million other overwhelming emotions that I can’t quite put my finger on because I am so fucking tired I can’t THINK. But unless you want to hear about the good, bad, and the ugly, please don’t ask questions that Society norms force me to answer with a bold-faced lie.
Is the baby always this fussy/dry/tired/ WHATEVER?
Unless you are a pediatrician, please refrain from making ANY remarks to a new a parent that could lead them to question there might be something wrong. Every new mom is already overwhelmed with the idea that they were sent home with an entirely dependant stranger who’s sole existence relies on them. They don’t need any reason to build concern and add on to their seemingly endless mounds of anxiety-inducing facts they are finding.
Are you done? Are you having another one soon?
I’ve heard both of these. After I had one (or two) people then would ask me if I was done having kids shortly after the birth of my third. Because apparently the news had circulated that maybe being a mom wasn’t my best quality and I should probably stop procreating. Nothing makes you feel genuinely concerned about your parenting skills than someone asking you if you are ready to stop having kids because they seem to know something you don’t. It’s none of ya damn business. Don’t ask this question.
I’m sure there are plenty more here that I have not covered, but if you’re like me and about to meet a new baby, make sure you keep these in mind. New moms don’t get enough discouraging, useless, and overall bad advice. Please, adorn them with your best nonsense because having a newborn at home is really boring. You are basically stuck inside with nothing to do but feed, clean, soothe, and change the baby while obsessing about every noise, yelp, cry and quiet sound they make. It’s a cake walk, really.
2018’s Hot Toys Guide For (Sarcastic) Parents
Ho-ho-holy shit… Christmas is already here. Get ready to open your pocketbooks and express your undying love for your kids in the true American way, by buying it.
The halls are decked with all of your unpaid December bills because your kid NEEDED some goddamn toy that sold out in August and you’re not prepared enough to think ahead.
So here’s my list of the “hot toys” of the year, according to the interwebs, and why every kid (obviously) needs each and every one of these or else they will feel unloved and grow up to be psychopathic serial killers.
I’m not sophisticated enough to roast Pottery Barn like one of my all-time fave bloggers, Mommy Cusses. But I am brave enough to poke fun at average parents like me for the ridiculous hoops we jump through to dress our tree skirt with our kids’ deepest desires because some YouTuber told them they needed it.
So I hope you have a white Christmas filled with toys and entitlement while you hand over the mountain of crap you fist fought someone over on black Friday to snag off the shelves and save yourself $2 (let’s hope Santa isn’t watching over Walmart on November 28th).
Fingerling HUGS – The adorable counterpart to last year’s Fingerling that comes in a plush variant. This one is much larger and therefore will cost FAR more when some asshole goes to Target and buys up the whole aisle of every color option so they can shamelessly poach desperate parents who got busy raising kids and didn’t get their Christmas shopping done early. Poor bastards.
$14.88 for this hilarious choking hazard
Chow Crown Game – As if watching my kids eat isn’t annoying enough. Now I can experience them doing it in a “fun for the whole family” kind of way where food hangs in front of their faces, and they spit saliva, little chunks of leftovers, and the flu virus all over the house. Not only do we get to share the crown riddled with spit and soggy snacks, but we also get to share each other’s holiday plagues. It’s the season of giving, guys, and this one GIVES IT ALL. Make sure you have your phone ready to call 911 for this game night!
Num Nom’s Snackable Cereal – While we are on the subject of choking hazards, let’s check out these adorable little treats! Wearing the guise of FOOD, they are meant to look like snacks with a face. As if looks weren’t good enough, they even come with a delicious, mouthwatering scent and a “milk” spoon. What kid wouldn’t want to put that in their mouth “just in case” it tastes as good as it looks? I forsee lots of urgent care trips after this year’s Santa unboxing.
This little guy is $32.99 and about 4 hours of insomnia when you can’t get this DAMN SONG OUT OF YOUR HEAD
Hot Diggity Dance And Play Mickey – If Pinkfong hasn’t completely ruined your sanity for years to come, this little darling will. He dances and sings a song just as catchy and obnoxious. You’ll be “hot diggity dog” dancing your way all the way to the behavioral health unit at your local hospital. Pro Tip: if your kids get one of these as a gift, remove the batteries. Mickey is fun enough all by himself.
Lost Kitties Blind Box – The best part about this one is it brings your child’s favorite part of YouTube right into your living room. As if finding them slathering their Barbie in your $80 attempt at reversing signs of aging on your face wasn’t bad enough, now you can SUPPLY them with the tools to completely destroy your carpeting while simultaneously unveiling hidden “surprises” that you’ll be stepping on for years to come.
Hatchimals, Hatchibabies – In a world of gender stereotypes this one really hits home. Is it BLUE? IT’S A BOY! Pink? You got a GIRL! I can’t even with this…. {insert a huge fucking eye roll here}. Someone please tell me I’m reading these wrong….
Friendship Bracelet Makers – These seem to be all over the hot gift guides. It’s as if we aren’t born with the necessary tools to tie knots and create these with our own HANDS. These will set you back a meager price of $25, but think of the endless tantrums your six year old will throw when they realize they have no clue how to load this thing up with thin twine and it ends up in a giant knot? You’ll get plenty of post-holiday relaxation when you’re balled up in the fetal position wondering what evil Santa brought this thing in the first place.
Peppa Pig Fun Fair Playset – The world definitely does NOT have enough of this adorable, British speaking, two dimensional, swine version of Caillou. Can we get a Peppa Pig farm set? One with the means to turn this smug family into bacon once and for all? Sign me up for that. (But I’ll keep George. Something tells me he’s getting the short end of the stick).
Little People Take Turns Skyway – I did not even have to read the description of this one to know that this is an absolute disaster waiting to happen. Because we all know, little people do NOT like to TAKE TURNS.
$180 seems reasonable…. for an iPhone.
{Insert You Kid’s Favorite} Dreamhouse – YES! A miniature version of the home my kids know and love to destroy. I might hand it over to them equipt with goldfish crackers crunched up in the couch cushions, a dried puddle of something sticky on the floor, and a handprint smear (or seven) on the walls. Maybe I’ll make sure to load washer with a mildew stench and the sink full of dirty dishes for good measure. I’m all about making Christmas as magical and realistic as possible.
Don’t Step In It – A board game where you and your family take turns blindfolded trying not to step in a fake pile of dog shit. My kids and I play this game all summer, and again in the spring. Except we do it like the badasses we are and we aren’t using any fake shit, we use the real deal. Also, we aren’t blindfolded. It’s just camouflaged by inches of grass and weeds that desperately need to be cut. I think I’ll save my money on this one and wait until the snow melts…
There you have it, folks. This year’s top toys and every reason why you absolutely cannot pass these bad boys up.
Don’t forget, it’s important to shower your kids with gifts in December so that the rest of the year they can act like entitled brats who expect you to give them the world. Because tis’ the season to focus on material things, yo.
Can’t you hear those sleigh-bells ring-a-ling alongside your racing heartbeat waiting for the annoying alarm of the chip reader yelling at you to remove your card?
APPROVED! (Phew, that was close).
Merry Christmas, Mamas!
If you enjoyed this check out some of my other humor pieces here:
The “In” Grocery Store Came To My Town – And I HATE IT
5 Things I Learned About Dating Apps – A Cautionary Tale
Every Mom Has A Favorite Child
Halloween Candy You Should Really Take From Your Kids (And Keep For Yourself)- A Guide To The Ultimate Parent Pillage
Halloween. It’s the parent’s ultimate compensation event. Not only do you get to send your kids out in ridiculous garbs, but they’re off begging other people for shit they don’t need for a change. Triumphantly working their little tails off (in a way that any other day would be considered child labor) collecting coveted chocolate covered and fruit flavored escapes that you get to enjoy for months to come. Until the guilt has finally set in and the reality that “bikini season” is once again around the corner and you’ve spent the winter packing it on like snowman.
But it’s “fall y’all”. The season of not giving a f*ck and the perpetual mindset of “this is a problem for spring me”. We are seemingly decades away from the time of year where you’ll start worrying about self-inflicted holiday coping weight, again.
So here we go. If we are going to rage eat our kids candy in the bathroom over our own sobs while they bang on the door begging us to refill the sippy cup we’ve only just handed them on our stumble through the lego minefield on the way in here, shouldn’t we at least do it right?
Have no fear. I’ve compiled a complete list of essentials, so you can be sure that your caloric sweet treat is the ideal choosing for the dumpster-fire parenting situation that life has handed you today.
Reese’s. A go-to for any occasion as it pertains to raising hell-bound heathens. Whether in the shape of a smooshed cupcake or a pumpkin, they are timeless. From a tiny bit of toothpaste in the bathroom sink to sharpie on your brand new leather couch, these are sure to make the blinding rage fade away, if even for a few moments. Stuff the whole damn thing in your mouth because they are big enough to satisfy in one bite so you don’t have to share with your tiny terrorists. But small enough that you (probably) won’t choke.
Snickers. Anything with crunch is perfect for when you’re white-knuckling it through dinner trying to make it to the final stretch of the evening so you can lay down and let your mind race about all things you have no control over. These come in “fun-size” which is really just code for “calm down on the candy, mmmk?” But HEY, you can take this as an opportunity to remind yourself that is IS in fact fun to devour something your kid worked hard for. Karma.
Tootsie Rolls. Save these as a passive aggressive way to get back at your kids on days they have pissed you off just enough, but not entirely to the point of making you lose your ever-loving mind. Nobody likes these little turd shaped nuggets. I use these for when my kids are begging me for candy and just won’t STFU about it already, but they really don’t deserve it after their mini-episodes of insubordination throughout the day. So here you go, little Satan spawn. Chow down. (muahahaha).
Skittles. If you like fruity , like I do, these are great. I have mastered how to silently pour the tiny bags from the front seat of my car into the cup-holder so that I can sneak little morsels to suck on while my kids are screaming for whatever bullshit toy I told them not to bring into the car that they (of course) dropped the second I pulled onto the road. I highly recommend. Starbursts and suckers work for this as well (although harder to hide from the blood sucking sugar cravers). It makes reaching around into the black hole that is my minivan while simultaneously trying to not kill everyone in a fiery car crash that much more enjoyable.
Smarties. It wouldn’t be Halloween if your kid’s buckets weren’t overflowing with these cellophane wrapped chalk wafers. This is the La Croix of candy. The first one or two may be ok, enjoyable even. But after a couple you end up with a sugar burn on your tongue and aren’t even remotely satisfied. You know it, I know it. But our kids, for whatever reason, do not. Save alllll the Smarties. These can be used as bargaining chips in the future to bribe your kids into good behavior when you’re desperately trying to complete a task (like pee in peace) or need them to just get the hell out of your face for a second so you can think.
Your kids are going to get 
a lot of bullshit candy for Halloween. Circus peanuts, jelly beans, Good N Plenty. All of those are basically compost material. Or a lovely parting gift for the neighbor kid you’re constantly turning away who comes knocking on the door at dinner time every night to see if your kid can “play”.
Some asshole will for SURE hand out those stale popcorn balls that in my house I use as way to showcase my impressive nothin’-but-net shot… right into the garbage can.
If you’re like me, you’ll tell your kids they can’t have any until you’ve carefully investigated it all for dangerous ingredients like razor blades and gluten. Let’s be honest, I’m a lazy (or more accurately, exhausted) parent. If I weren’t sorting through it anyways to find my stash, I’d probably risk it. I’m detail oriented, but only when it comes to stealing from my own children while they’re asleep, what can I say?
Halloween doesn’t have to only be known as the holiday that kick’s off the annual downward spiral of eating like a complete assbag for months on end. Leading you to question what kind of magical elf stowed away in Santa’s trip down your chimney and found it’s way into your unopened drawers to replace all of your spring staples with similar items, just a couple sizes too small.
So, if you’re gonna pilfer candy from your kids, make sure you do it right.
Godspeed, kiddos. Go get your mamas some chocolate.
If you liked this check out some of my other parenting inspired humor pieces:
As A Single Mom, Sometimes It’s Bring Your Child To Work Day
